A Three Way With My Head Heart & Soul

This is a mental dump I captured during an emotional conversation with myself while contemplating the achievement of coming first place in my age division (40-44) of the Spartan Ultra Beast held at Mount Baw Baw Victoria. It was a gruelling 55k, 2,983m battle that I waged between my head, heart and soul over 7:52:38 on Sunday February 26, 2023.

I trained hard by running for over 300 hrs in 2022 to compete in this Spartan race because I set a goal of beating the previous year’s result where I came 5th place in the same division. I had raced Spartans before, but I have never trained like I did in 2022, I hope to get 3rd place so achieving 1st place was not expected. Plus, I’ve never come first in any running race, the whole experience was very powerful and something I want to record for those who loved and supported me in my journey.

I’ve also written this so I can unpack my emotions and the learnings that came from it. There was, and still is, a lot going on in my head, heart and soul. Powerful highs and lows which I haven’t come to terms with, no doubt it will take a while and I am grateful for the privilege of experiencing them. Running is a beautiful thing that teaches me about myself, endurance running heightens this experience and takes it to a whole new level.

On my way to the start line I contemplated what the day may hold and tried to center myself, I was nervous because I was scared of what might happen, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. I thought about the support my family gave me and what my wife and kids said to me before I left, I read the text my brother sent me that gave me the clarity to focus on what is important, my brother Sam has a way of helping me see through to the heart of things and I feel very fortunate to have him in my life. I knew my Mum and Dad were thinking of me and would be excited to hear how the day unfolded, no matter what they supported and loved me for being there. How lucky I am to have these people in my life.

With every big run I go to a place within myself that can only be found during times of extreme challenge. It is a very special place and on this day, I was joined by my Grandfather Wally and his brother Terry. I felt a powerful sense of energy and many memories of these two gentle, caring men that I loved deeply came over me. All day I was visited by visions of them urging me on and giving me the strength to keep going. I will not question it but embrace it as the best thing that happened that whole day.

The human function that creates drive, motivation and goal setting is an extremely powerful force. Once the pathways in your brain have been formed motivation builds and from it comes commitment, hard work, sacrifices and very importantly a journey. My journey towards this goal lasted a year and I can’t count the hours I spent thinking about the race, then suddenly you’re there, it’s race day and you’re in the pack with a group of other likeminded people ready to begin. BANG!, the start gun goes and it’s actually happening, depending on the universe and many variables out of your control it either works out or it doesn’t. The only thing you had control over is how much work you put into achieving your goal. If it does work out, as it did in this instance, there’s the effort it took to actually do it, the pain and emotion of it all, the highs and lows…the battle between the mind heart and soul, 3 powerful voices. This is the story of those voices I want to share with you.

These voices are the emotional journey of the race, 7/8hrs is a long time when one part of you screams stop, the other screams go and the other controls what you actually do. The head, heart and soul in maximum flight mode, the pain cave at full noise when you’re in good physical condition.. wow that’s something you don’t experience every day; I personally love it but not a lot of people do. Racing is a moment when you are surrounded by people who do like it, each of them can handle different levels but we all have a common interest in pushing ourselves to our limits which makes being there pretty cool and creates the sense of comradery you experience in these types of events.

This commonality is also what made my victory sweet, it’s not that I was happy to beat people or anything like that, I actually feel a little guilty, don’t get me wrong I was there to do my best and compete, but it’s about it being my day, about doing my best, having it all come together after all the hard work and sacrifice I left it all on the table and on that day, my best was the best. I did this, I fucking gave it everything and never gave in. I pushed and chased and huffed and puffed, lifted, carried, climbed, crawled and fell on my face. Showing up on game day and being first in my age division after working my ass off is a new experience for me and not one I will likely experience many times which is ok, because this experience has taught me a valuable lesson that I’m not there for that, it’s just a part of it.

It was my head that got me there, like usual I have these lofty ideas. I see something big and challenging so I get drawn to it. It starts with the brain making all the noise, doing the planning, ignoring the reality and challenges and importantly it gets me to the start line. My head saw the opportunity, spoke to my heart and convinced it that this will be worth the cost, together they created a desire.

Once the desire has formed the heart slowly pulses out motivation when the brain is tired, those early mornings, the rainy days, the heart helps keep the brain honest when it gets a little lazy. The heart is also ready to take over on race day when the brain fades, it’s usually pretty early on in the whole piece my brain reacts to circumstance and if my body hurts then my brain tells me to stop, luckily my heart is there and will override the brain for a long time. Having a strong heart gives you the extra burst of motivation when you need it, a little dose of ‘can do’ to keep going, carry the load, jump the barrier, climb the rope or the hill… just keep going. But eventually the heart gets tired, it’s been battling the brain for ages and that bastard can be noisy.

In comes the soul, the powerful energy source inside us all that defines who we are. As soon as the heart is tired and starts to agree with your brain it’s all too easy to believe that it’s time to stop and give in. You start telling yourself that maybe it’s all a bit too hard and how nice it would be to stop and rest, but if you listen hard and choke those thoughts a moment comes when your soul rises from deep inside and offers its help. It can be a scary moment because you know it comes with a price, the physical and emotional cost that comes from tapping into your life force is an expensive one.

However, if the task at hand is worth it and you believe in yourself enough to embrace the challenge by entering the pain cave and letting the battle between your head, heart and soul begin it becomes a whole different game and now you’re all in. Knowing that you have agreed to accept it’s support, the soul demands you give it all. If there’s anything left in the tank at the end it will turn on you, leaving you feeling unsatisfied and questioning yourself, mocking you for being weak and abusing its power. If you abuse this power the results can be as negative as they can be positive. The only option is to give it everything you have and in return it will give you the same - this is your reward if you truly try your best, the experience can only be felt and never truly explained.

On this day I gave it everything, sure I could have gone a bit faster up that hill or moved a bit quicker through that trail, but I gave it my absolute best and I won. There’s the elation of the win, the confirmation of the achievement and the emotions that come with it, but I found that afterwards there’s an emptiness of sorts that comes with the victory.

Just like that, it’s over. There’s no more chase or desire, the dream is realised and achieved. I did it, so that’s that, what’s next? That’s the emptiness I experienced and a lesson I have learnt. In that emptiness a voice inside me said “Be proud, don’t get cocky, but make sure to allow yourself and those around you to enjoy it with you, because you all deserve it. You and those who supported you paid a price for it, so don’t dare make the currency valueless by not respecting and appreciating its value now the transaction has been processed.”

Obviously, the feeling of a win is different than the feeling of knowing you could have done better. The latter hangs with you all year and if channelled can be an absolute blessing. The determination and focus to do better because you got so close last time will keep you going through the winter, it will motivate and drive you. After the race I felt a bit empty because I am used to the feeling of determination and planning my next attempt, but this time success evaporated a little quickly and I thought I was left with the ‘what next’ aftermath. But soon I started to tell myself '“Fuck that shit, that’s fucking weak right there, back that shit up and be grateful you have the opportunity to do something next at all. If you see the value in what you achieved then step up and get on with it, make whatever’s next bigger, better and have fun doing it, or don’t do it at all”

I ran a good race, I achieved my goal and experienced something amazing but my journey with Spartan is over. I’m sad to see it go but part of my personal development is learning how to let it go, accept and embrace the achievement and show the strength to set new goals. The bar just got higher, maybe that’s the scary part or depending on how I look at it, the exciting part! I prefer glass half full, how about you?

Whenever I get into something I want to know what my best is, that means looking at those who are the best and comparing myself against them. It’s a competitive trait and I find out I’m shit at a lot of things but, give a fuck, at least I try. Running can be competitive, and your capacity is easily tested, a number/time determines your position in a field, it can be brutally honest but that’s the intoxicating part of it. Weeks and months of training, thinking and focus all whacked into a few intense hrs. Bang. Done. But the elation of it all coming together and your head, heart and soul working together to give your best in that moment is a true reward.

If you get it right, there’s a brief but spiritual moment to be enjoyed. I find that in these moments I like to test myself and find out what I am capable of. Once again there’s the multiple voices asking “Are we gonna do this? Come on FFS let’s do this, let’s get some”. It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing that every human has the capability and capability for, but some never even make the start line and live life telling themselves they can’t. I saw this over and over again at Spartan, a mountainside full of people, some telling themselves they can, some telling themselves they can’t. Then there’s a few who take it to the extreme, their inner dialogue is stronger, more brilliant more intense. They feel things in a different way, they can take the pain because they like it. It’s their gift and they embrace it in their own way, it’s something that should be respected and appreciated, never abused or taken for granted.

There’s also a responsibility that comes with competition. If you have to question yourself when you achieve a victory, don’t do it. Don’t let others invest their time supporting you and believing in you, don’t give up time that could be spent on things you love in life and very importantly, don’t take away someone else’s chance of success. If you’re going to have a red-hot crack and go for gold then make sure you value it, if you finally achieve your goal make sure to embrace it and show it the respect it deserves, because if you can’t then you should leave it for those who will.

As I wrote this, I had a moment of self-awareness, I realised that this is what makes me who I am. I love a fight, a battle and a challenge, I have an internal energy that needs to be channelled and challenged otherwise my life gets out of control. It’s a powerful force and as long as I am in control, which isn’t always the case, I can achieve great things in my life, the reality is I am fortunate to have this energy. Sometimes it gets on top of me, and I do stupid shit, but I am aware of it and I try my best to control it. We all have our demons.

Then there’s the ego of it all, this is the fun stuff that makes you laugh, smile and cry. The primal energy, the testosterone and endorphins that come from endurance activities. The look from people as they slowly crawl and shuffle and slip and slide down a hill as you come past like a Harley Davidson blasting it full boar through the middle of a street full of traffic… COMING THROUGH TOOT TOOT. Knowing that on a day when everyone is there to test their strength and fitness you are ploughing past people to finish your 2.5 laps when they can’t find the strength to finish their first. I won’t deny there’s a big chunk of ego in that, but I also respect each and every person for being there, it is what it is and if you want it get out there and get it.

I love to test myself and see how I compare against a group of people with a common interest. No one really gives a fuck too much about the result, most only care about their own performance. It’s more about having a go and knowing that every person is going through their own battle, they hurt, they huff and puff but everyone is trying their best, whether that be to get over the finish line or get off your ass cause you just can’t go any further, they are still trying and if you try you have my respect.

I want my kids to try, I want them to challenge themselves in a productive way and enjoy the growth and experience it gives you. There are so many things I want to teach them, but this is a lesson that can only be taught through example. No words can totally explain it, it’s conceptual and that is a hard thing to teach. If I get it right, it will imprint onto their being and lay foundations for who they could be. I can’t say ‘will’ because everyone’s human and they will make their own choices in life.

A strong head, heart and soul are gifts I can offer my children, if they decide to take them up. I can’t give it to them, but by being a strong role model and demonstrating how I challenge myself I hope to demonstrate that they too can embrace a challenge without fear of failure, it’s better to have given it your best than not tried at all. Be proud to try and find out where your strengths and weaknesses lie, it’s what makes you human.

I will do my best to instil courage and determination into my children and I just hope the example I set through running rubs off in some way. I feel guilty that I loose time with them by doing it, the costs to our family money financially as well as the pressure it puts on my amazing wife (who supports me in every way), but it’s just who I am and if I do not utilise the energy, life and gifts I was born with then what example am I setting? I hope my kids see what I do and want to be a part of it, if not I hope they have the courage to try their own things because I showed them the process, now that would be a true win.

The older I get the bigger the battles I wage with myself. Time grows shorter and at 44 I can see a time ahead that my chance to do these things will run out, my body will grow old and weak, especially if I don’t use it and care for it. Sometimes we only see the value in something when it’s gone, I do not want to grow old wondering what my body is capable of, that would be a huge waste of a precious gift. I want to bring people on this journey of discovery and challenge with me but the deeper I get into it the more I realise it may not be possible and that’s ok. I don’t want someone to be there because of me, I want them to be there because of them.

At the end of this emotional rollercoaster, I wiped away a couple of tears and I asked myself, (note the 2nd person) ‘how lucky are you that the privileged life you are blessed with gives you the opportunity to even do these things. You have choice, opportunity, love and support to be who you want to be’.

If one day you’re in the same situation I was, standing around a bonfire with a group of friends and you realise you don’t like what you’ve become, I hope you’re blessed enough to be in a place that allows you to make a change and be a better you. If you are I hope you make the most of it, don’t be negative, see the glass half full and be your best. Let those who love you be proud of you and be proud of yourself.

Most importantly, I feel so lucky to have a wife, kids, family and friends that support me and my goals. Look after those people and show appreciation of their support by giving it all you’ve got, do it especially for these people because they’re worth more than any victory. I want to thank my good mates, Jon and Francois for being on this journey and participating with me. Big thanks to Truckie for driving us all the way there and back, keeping the spirit alive and making the best damn pizza's possible. The boys smashed it, no matter the result I'm just proud to have been there with them. They gave it everything and on a hard as nails course they crossed the line in style..they kicked ass. Big love and thanks for being there GC’s.

The final word goes out to my wife, she puts up with it all and continues to support me through thick and thin. She challenges me, keeps it real and makes sure the ship stays afloat when I need to step away from the wheel. LULTUISNAB4EVAMAN. Thank you toots, I appreciate you.